|Jan. 24th, 2005 04:18 pm In the beginning....|
Smack High Treatment
This Was Our PILOT but Then We Crashed Into the Mountains and Had to Eat It.
Cornelius Swift- All American, All Around Cool Guy
Tiffanya/ Judd Kickles- Suave Jock Transvestite who is also head cheerleader
Scoop Scoopson- Overachieving Newspaper editor and slowly decaying student, wears fedora and 1930’s-40’s era reporter outfit
Dogface- Ultra Hipster Indie Kid, makes comebacks to and detests everything
Vampira Meyers- Goth Girl Feminist who becomes Cornelius’ love interest
Orphan Joe Erdlinger- Nerdy Goofball who becomes the receiving end of jokes, has disturbing knowledge of the mean streets
Mr. Carlson- Homeroom teacher and smack addict
Dean Rockhead- By-the-book Disciplinarian, spaz, and gender indeterminate
Hopefully all episodes will start with a Previously-On-Smack-High; here are some lines elements of the first episode’s edition:
Seq.1 “We have a test on Friday…” [camera zoom on teacher’s face] “ of your will to SURVIVE!”
Seq.2 “Does God even exist? Answer me dammit!” [student shakes other student]
Seq.3 Explosion [extreme low-budget or stock footage or both]
Seq.4 “All right guys let’s save the Diner!” [lead student raises gun] “From Zombies!”
Seq.5 Inserts cats fighting with crowd gathered around as if it’s a cock fight (these are the only animals we have on hand that we can probably film as if they are fighting with a clear conscience)
Seq.6 [Involves three students] “I’m deaf!” “I’m blind!” [third student on bended knees as if he is a paraplegic] “And I love you both!”
We open up on the Homeroom class. The Gang listed above is introduced through friendly banter and Mr. Carlson’s role call. They continue to trade expository statements concerning the Name of the School: Robert F. Smack High School, Mr. Carlson’s increasingly erratic behavior and Scoop Scoopson’s position at the school newspaper. She asks Mr. Carlson for a pass to “research some things… for this class.” This pushes him over the edge, he dismisses her, and ducks down to shoot up. Hilarious sequence involving a lecture and a smacked out teacher follows. He exists the room screaming about water mammals or some such and Scoop reenters and explains to the gang that Mr. Carlson has become a Smack Addict.
Cornelius organizes his crew later at the Generic Teenage Loitering Diner. They are brainstorming ways to cure Mr.Carlson of his addiction. Orphan Joe pipes in every other suggestion with his own to an increasing chorus of “Can it Orphan Joe!” He proposes that they form a Smack Club finally explaining that his “first mom was part of one, that’s why she dumped me in that cornfield!” Tiffanya punches him out, but Vampira speaks up saying that the club isn’t a bad idea. She and Cornelius bounce they idea off each other until it becomes a massively convoluted plan to show Mr. Carlson he is negatively influencing the kids of Robert F. Smack High by starting up a Smack Club and trying to get the whole school involved. Dogface interjects often with non sequiturs, points out clubs are for commies and offers to “totally help”.
They propose the plan to the “square” Dean Rockhead and he/she is hesitant at first. But then Tiffanya chimes in offering the Dean his/herself a part in the plan; at the very end of their presentation of Smack High’s alleged descent into drug addiction Dean Rockhead will bust out of the head office and ask Mr. Carlson what kind of role model he thinks he is. Exhilarated to be included in the illegal hi-jinks of teenagers, Rockhead agrees and attempts to pull everyone together for a group hug.
Orphan Joe and Dogface score the stuff for the gang; the former knew where to score as he is a knowledgeable nerd in disturbing ways and Dogface knitted a sack featuring Flapdippy and the Soiled Wigs. They meet in the Home Economics classroom or Science Lab to prepare the drugs in an ambiguous fashion featuring Tiffanya dressed up as a Housewife and Vampira in Dr. Frankenfurter bondage/ lab coat gear. Cornelius is shown setting up a Smack Den in a rather preppie fashion. They’ve made the Smack Club Sign and our last shot is off students filing in.
Cornelius points out that the Smack Club has become so popular that they’ve installed vending machines full of syringes and fashionable arm ties can be seen on all the kids. Indeed everyone is into smack; as evidence we show various groups of kids (same actors maybe) in different modes of trendy dress; even a group in togas and very out of period costumes. Dean Rockhead chooses this moment to stubble in, obviously disheveled and a syringe in hand, and congratulates Mr. Carlson on leading these fine young kids into the future.
After he collapses the gang has a brief moment of panic, as he deviated from the script, but Mr. Carlson has the expected epiphany and steps over the convulsing body of Dean Rockhead to give his speech about quitting.
Scoop Scoopson points out that the name of the school has become cruelly ironic. Dogface replies by pointing out that Scoop’s name is “totally repetitive”. Everyone laughs at Scoop mid-drug consumption and the show closes out.
writing credit: one ms. lauren martellaLeave a comment